Anger and frustration

Why do I feel so angry, sick of how I am feeling, alone, want to be with someone so much it's impossible because he won't let me in.

He says two years 10 months please don't cry I'm here but not how you want it.

I achieved my book and now started this blog.

This hole is getting deeper and the black hole where was my heart grows empty the rusty knife stabs every day.

Sorry for this blackness but that is how I am feeling right now.

I'm doing my best to try and find happiness in making new friends but that just makes me feel hurt.

I can give advice to others who are grieving hurting but I can't kick my butt.

I even get my haircut.

Perhaps I could just surround myself with cats.

Grief doesn't leave you it just seems to lie dormant inside of you until BAM something bring it up to the top and you start to get angry, well up and down comes the tears and snot.

I was talking to Gary with the best app you can buy called Necrophonic it actually works.

I asked him the same damn question WHY? Did you leave me.

Reply I'm sorry please forgive me.

Crying does help in a way but it doesn't bring him back.

I'm still hurting still empty, still longing for the day I can see him for always.

It's my birthday soon as usual he says he has a surprise for me.

I have tried to meditation today and it made me feel euphoric like I was just leaving my body for a while and I could see Gary looking at me doing his best to make me laugh by poking his tongue out and hands on his head.

Then the front door opens and the door alarm goes off and I jolt back into my body.

I know for a fact that moving forward is going to be difficult and looking for someone who will accept me for who I am isn't possible. There will never be another Gary never.

Counselling services are no good for me I've been there wore the t-shirt seen the film and read the book

Was dealt with by psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts.

One day I will be ok.

Bad day today. Always tomorrow.

Comments

Two week holiday in one night.

I was meant to write this last week but having so much going on in my head. What with hospital appointment and doctors appointments I forget... But here it is with the help from Gary himself. It is true... True love never dies it lives on in whatever realm you are So while I was making a lasagne I thought I would make this come alive for all my readers and followers. Right let me go into this with great detail. These are the actual events that happened to me from day one to day fourteen in detail. Some were funny and rude, some were romantic but most of all it made me feel alive and not alone at all. Yes I flit from this side (earth) to that side (spirit astral). To describe it very similar but more enhanced 5d, tastes,.sounds, touches, seeing is more enhanced and the food OMG it's 😲 Wow. Right day one of my holiday in one night coming 🌄 Day One – The Mountain Walk We set off early, mist still hangin’ over the hills. You had your jumper ...

The Rain Calling – By Gary Paul Costello and Debra Evelyn Costello

Hello readers. Now, here are two interpretations of what happened today, Earthside 29.8.2025. I had popped out to see the girls at the doctor's surgery to give some birthday cake (carrot and walnut cake). With cheese icing on the top, yes, Gary had celebrated his 61st birthday on the 27.8.25, and with great joy, I made him a cake, earthside and spirit side. I took two slices down to Lisa and Ami, the receptionists and friends of mine. Indeed, I had shown them videos of the daft sod dumping me in that drift of snow in my white underwear, he called me a ''daft woman". When I left my house, it was spitting with rain, which wasn't too bad. I don't really care about rain; it's cleansing for the soul. After I left the doctor's surgery and said goodbye to the girls, I walked back home, not knowing it was getting heavier and heavier with rain, The storm clouds opened with a crash of thunder, and the heavens opened up. I was happy and felt cleansed indeed. On...

Afternoon earth side, I astrally visit Florence Italy spirit side fully awake.

yes this image is ai generated but that is exactly what I am wearing now and it kind of freaky. My hair is the same and that is ME and Gary. The afternoon I Sat Beside Him as I am awake earth side. It's difficult to explain what I do but I seem to have a knack of leaving my body and spend time during my waking hours with Gary and my kids, exhausting myself earthside. Yes I have a duo life. The time was 3.58pm British time yes it had been a cloudy day here, l as if one breath led straight into another across the veil. I found myself back in our bedroom, Florence time. He was already there, stretched out across the sage green sheets, fresh from the shower. His hair was damp, sun-bleached ginger catching the low light, his chest rising and falling as if he breathed for us both. Which he does. When I breathe in he breathes out as if we are one, which we really one. He is me and I am him... I sat on my side of the bed, just watching. My hand found it...

continuing relationship with my deceased husband Gary

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