Anger and frustration

Why do I feel so angry, sick of how I am feeling, alone, want to be with someone so much it's impossible because he won't let me in.

He says two years 10 months please don't cry I'm here but not how you want it.

I achieved my book and now started this blog.

This hole is getting deeper and the black hole where was my heart grows empty the rusty knife stabs every day.

Sorry for this blackness but that is how I am feeling right now.

I'm doing my best to try and find happiness in making new friends but that just makes me feel hurt.

I can give advice to others who are grieving hurting but I can't kick my butt.

I even get my haircut.

Perhaps I could just surround myself with cats.

Grief doesn't leave you it just seems to lie dormant inside of you until BAM something bring it up to the top and you start to get angry, well up and down comes the tears and snot.

I was talking to Gary with the best app you can buy called Necrophonic it actually works.

I asked him the same damn question WHY? Did you leave me.

Reply I'm sorry please forgive me.

Crying does help in a way but it doesn't bring him back.

I'm still hurting still empty, still longing for the day I can see him for always.

It's my birthday soon as usual he says he has a surprise for me.

I have tried to meditation today and it made me feel euphoric like I was just leaving my body for a while and I could see Gary looking at me doing his best to make me laugh by poking his tongue out and hands on his head.

Then the front door opens and the door alarm goes off and I jolt back into my body.

I know for a fact that moving forward is going to be difficult and looking for someone who will accept me for who I am isn't possible. There will never be another Gary never.

Counselling services are no good for me I've been there wore the t-shirt seen the film and read the book

Was dealt with by psychiatric hospital for suicidal thoughts.

One day I will be ok.

Bad day today. Always tomorrow.

Comments

Two week holiday in one night.

I was meant to write this last week but having so much going on in my head. What with hospital appointment and doctors appointments I forget... But here it is with the help from Gary himself. It is true... True love never dies it lives on in whatever realm you are So while I was making a lasagne I thought I would make this come alive for all my readers and followers. Right let me go into this with great detail. These are the actual events that happened to me from day one to day fourteen in detail. Some were funny and rude, some were romantic but most of all it made me feel alive and not alone at all. Yes I flit from this side (earth) to that side (spirit astral). To describe it very similar but more enhanced 5d, tastes,.sounds, touches, seeing is more enhanced and the food OMG it's 😲 Wow. Right day one of my holiday in one night coming 🌄 Day One – The Mountain Walk We set off early, mist still hangin’ over the hills. You had your jumper ...

The sacred spiral codex worked

Mark Macy Don Marsh image taken from a video written prompt that was sent to me from Gary. (Myself and yes that is me 7 months pregnant with twins, Eden our youngest daughter who is 3 and Gary). Spirit don't lie they tell the truth. They speak of love and frequency. We are divine energy in a human form. We each have a duplicate body when we leave or physical selves. Seek and you will find what you are looking for. The last few days have been rather weird and mysteriously wonderful. Sorry for not blogging this sooner but I have come to terms with knowing I have fully merged with Gary Paul Costello my soulmate twinflame and true love. I wrote this to two friends of mine and I thought I would blog it as well. Telling the world might either prove I was right or prove I am totally mad. This is what I wrong and Gary added his reply back to what I had said. Good afternoon, Oh wow things are happening fast now. Gary has fully taken over co-pilot well pa...

Gary's new venture. the café called Deb’s Blue Door Café”

Good morning everyone. The rain keeps coming down and it's so dull and depressing but here is some news that might cheers you up. Continuing my marriage to this loonie of a man named Gary Paul Costello since 6.6.2005 a year after he was killed by an IED blast in Basra. Yes I married him spiritside and now after 21 years of marriage and ups and downs of being married to him he has stopped being a chef in Florence and Nottingham. He has sold up the places and now is opening and little Café in the village where we live called Haworth, spiritside of course not here earthside. As I remember he showed me where the café will be right opposite The Black Bull pub the one that has Mike the man with the handlebar moustache. Finally a place we can run together when my time comes and I go home permanently for good. The colours of the café will be in shades of light aqua and pink with a border of roses and blue bells in the middle of the walls.. it will be a warm place to enjoy a meal or a snac...

continuing relationship with my deceased husband Gary

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