how I feel today

Today I feel yuk my emotions are screwed, perhaps it's the weather I do not know.

Foreseen my past will be my future.

I have a black cat sitting on my knee comforting me as he knows I am not feel happy.

I am trying my best to keep a smile on my face but deep down inside my core I feel empty like I have nowt, nothing, zip,zilch to go on for but I have to continue being in this human shell and feel the torture of emotions and feelings of being empty and longing to be touch by him again.

Just to feel him physically kiss and hug me 

Calling card of cheesy feet and Obsession for men aftershave makes me laugh and that cool icy breeze as he touches me isn't enough, I cannot find the happiness I need to fulfill my emptiness and broken heart of 18 years of him not being here.

I know deep down inside my core a tiny pilot light flickers with a little bit of hope that one day before my exit date he will finally arrive in his glory the crazy,funny, sexy man I love so much.

I know he tries his best at doing things to make himself known to me and others that he likes which aren't many.

Example I was at home and he decided to switch the television on and off at the shop.

I receive a message and a video to confirm what he had been doing, silly bugger.

I ask him questions on the many recorders I have and get replies back from him. Some beautiful messages and music in the background, some are not for other peoples ears just mine.

Images of him appearing in mirrors and on the wall or carpets.

Things go missing or arrive out of thin air.

He promises me his white Calvin Klein boxer shorts and he has said they will eventually come through.

Being earth bound for him isn't easy as he needs energy to manifest things and do everyday things.

So he takes energy from me in whatever form whether its hugging me or actual physical making love which he does and I do feel him when we are intimate.

I do say to myself am I mad......but then I hear him say no your not mad...

I suppose crying doesn't help it just makes things worse especially when he is earthbound, reason he feels my emotions and feelings.

Questioning myself am I supposed to continue this journey to my higher self and the astral realm.

Answer in my head and in my ear. Yes continue the journey because at the end of this journey is someone who truly loves you for you.

My past is my future Gary Paul Costello is my future and my present he is with me all the time.

Dreams do come true if you go with the flow.

I must stop dwelling on things that will delay my inevitable exit date the journey is this long cruel climb up a mountain that has given me hell.

As wise words are being told to me keep yourself busy do things to makes time go faster and sooner or later you have reached the summit of the mountain and your reward is insight a beautiful man with a sense of humour and love to release you from the cage you have been locked inside for so long.

Freedom is what I long for.